Well, August 5, 2009 God humbled me greatly! Of course, I love Caeden so much! More than my words on this blog could ever express! And I truly tell God "thank you" for him EACH DAY! I didn't even know if I was going to be able to have kids, so he was a huge blessing from the beginning. Although, that is not to say that I haven't had several hard days, many with tears....especially his first year. Between the ages of 12-24 mos, it got much better! But then he turned two, and decided that he didn't really need to obey mommy & daddy anymore...and it got much harder again.
I'm sure raising a child will go through "phases" of easy times and harder times. But this past week has been extremely hard on both Reid & I. We both end the day feeling emotionally exhausted. He throws the worst tantrums, tells us "NO!," completely ignores us and does the exact opposite of what we say, takes toys from his friends, hurts his friends, just crazy stuff! I'm so afraid and have cried that I've created this in him - that I've made him this way! I know he has a difficult temperament - he has had one since he was a baby. But I also know that we, as his parents, have a huge influence on how he turns out too. I pray for him every day, that God will shape his strong will (a.k.a. stubbornness) in a way that will someday glorify God. I've tried so many strategies it's not even funny! I've gotten advice from friends, the Bible, parents, mentors, books, and even my own self. And nothing seems to work.
I try so hard to be consistent. Of course, I know I fail sometimes, just because there are times he does things when I don't notice, or times (I'm afraid to admit) that I'm trying to do something "important" and I ignore what he's doing because at least it's keeping him busy. I've tried so hard the last few weeks to stop that though. Whatever I'm doing, I stop and correct/punish/talk to him. Everything just seems helpless.
So here's the encouragement. I went to bed in tears two nights ago, and sat down to do my Bible study. And both of these verses were there for me to read:
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
This verse reminded me that even in my weariness, I can come to him, as his hurting little girl. I can cry on Jesus' shoulder, and give him this burden of feeling like a failure. And he promises to give me rest, an internal peace, if I truly hand Caeden over to him. It also says that I am to let HIM teach me. If I take on HIS yolk (burden), it will be much lighter and a perfect-fit for what I need to do as a mother.
"O Lord, you...know everything about me.
Your hand will guide me and
your strength will support me."
Psalm 139: 1 & 10
This was so comforting to me! It reminded me that God knows everything about me (even more than I know about myself) and that he still loves me so much! He still just holds me and embraces me! And no matter how much of a "failure" I feel like, His hand will guide me and His strength will support me.
Lastly, I got up the next morning and was doing my workout to the beloved KLRC. The second song I heard was "Do Everything" by Steven Curtis Chapman. If you haven't heard this song before, the song starts by saying:
Of course this spoke volumes to me! I need to be persistent, not give up, and do it for God's glory! I'm doing this to bring a smile to HIS face! And as long as I'm teaching Caeden, in obedience to God, I'll be pleasing my Maker - and that's what matters.
Soooo....If you made it to the end of this post, you're truly a faithful follower. :) I know this was not a typical post of mine, but I felt like I wanted to share this, because it's been so prevalent in my mind lately. And I'm hoping that when I've had a really rough day, I can re-read this post and be re-encouraged. :) Thanks for listening...I mean, reading...